While I was on vacation one year I watched Scary Movie and it was pretty stupid. One thing I did remember was in the movie this girl trying to run away from the Grim Reaper, but she gets on a treadmill and keep raising the speed in hopes of out running the Grim Reaper. Obviously you can't out run someone when you are running on a treadmill, and just like that girl I realized I couldn't keep running from God, because he is EVERYWHERE.
It was the summer going into my junior year of college and I was at church and the priest says, "if you aren't following your vocation, you are just wasting your life." And it did hit me, it hit me really hard. Actually when I heard that in the homily I thought some not to pretty words in my head. But it was when I heard that, that I knew why nothing was working out for me. After mass I went home and started going through my college stuff and I "found" applications that I "lost" back in April. I also went back to the website I was given and I started looking more seriously at everything. I went on with my life keeping my realizations to myself, but I also went to work on filling out the applications that were so intimidating earlier in the year. I started to pray more and worked harder to talk to God, but I was still trying not to listen to him completely.
The reason why the statement that, "if you aren't following your vocation, you are just wasting your life" made me think was because I knew that I was not following my calling from God. I knew since I was in grade school that I wanted to help people and when I was in high school I knew I wanted to work with the poor and those in most need. I knew where God was calling me and he what wanted of me, but I didn't want to listen. I was always told that God only wanted the best for us and never asked us to do something we couldn't do. I on the other hand felt as if God couldn't really know what I wanted or what I needed. In my mind I had two choices, live the way God wanted me to or live my way. God wants me to help his people and care for others. I want me to have a big family and a loving husband and the perfect life. In my mind both jobs worked with people and meant that I would care for something. The only difference was if I did what I wanted to do I didn't have to take big risks or suffer. I know now that what God wants for me is what I want for me. Actually I knew all along that God will never ask me to do something I don't want to do. Like religious life, story was I was a very religious girl in high school and everyone else was hearing my call to the sisterhood. funny thing was, God wasn't calling me to be a nun or a sister. A life of praying and living in community sounds nice, but I would grow restless and I have this deep passion to be a mom. God would never ask me to be something I couldn't handle being. I could never be happy living in a convent for the rest of my life. I would never find peace in my life if I cared for others and never got a chance to walk away and be a mother later on in my life. Which is what God has been asking me to do from the beginning. God told me over and over again, year after year that all he wants from me is to serve the people, find my future husband, get married, and raise a big family and continue to help those around me until I die. It sounds easy, but I wasn't in the mood to be patience. Instead I went to college worked towards a degree to get a job dated around to find a husband and hoped to be married before I was 25. I liked my plan, it seemed like a great plan. I would meet a great guy, we would fall in love, get married, have children and grow old together. It wouldn't be a bad life and there was no real risk or suffering involved with this plan. However I wasn't really listening to God and what he wanted for me, so there was lots of suffering in this plan. God always gets what he wants, so there is no point in running from him.
I stopped running from him, but I didn't jump right away and started to do service work. Instead I just thought about it. I didn't start doing anything about it until I brought it up to my mom. I feel the reason why I brought it to her first was to make a snap decision on it. If she said yes and supported me the whole way I would quit college so service work for a year or more and now that I made the right choice. If she said no I would finish my degree and keep searching for happiness. I don't know what I would have done if my mom was against it, but to my surprise she was completely supportive. She made me finish those applications I had within a week and had me look at other places too.
While my mom and sister were being supportive my dad was having a hard time understanding why it would be okay for me to quit college. Lucky for me while my sister and I went on a trip to the lake with my aunt and uncle my mom changed my dad's mind about my decision. For about a month only my mom, dad, and sister knew my thoughts about not returning to school. It was probably the best things for me, because I didn't have tons of people sharing their thoughts of support or judgment while I was still shaky on the topic. The first person I told (outside of my family) was my best friend and after she texted me back later saying she supported me I started sharing the news with everyone else. I got mixed reactions from so many people and people changed their minds on the thought constantly. But since I had at least two weeks of keeping it quit and being able to think on it on my own I knew I was doing the right thing.
There were times after I made my final decision to do a year of service that I thought that maybe I was making a mistake, but I stuck with it. I stayed involved with the youth group at my church and I stuck with my job until August. Sometimes when people asked me about my choices I was really positive about it and other times I admitted that I felt so lost and scared. As places turned me down and others asked me to apply again next year when I am older my heart started to sink. I started to really wonder if I had made a huge mistake. Things got pretty dark and I started to think about going back to college, but lucky for me a woman from my church named Leah suggested this book to me. The book is called, What Does God Want? and upon her advice I started to read it. At first I felt like it didn't apply to me, but by the time I got to the middle I knew it had more wisdom in it than I thought. From there I went and talked to my brother Nick's best friend, Fr. Anthony, and he helped me get my thoughts together. It was because of talking to Fr. Anthony that I decided to take a break from life and just enjoy this time of not knowing. I even decided to go and visit my best friend and sorority sisters at Jewell.
My visit to my college not only helped my decision, but it kind of hurt it too. I missed those girls, but I saw how much I was loved. I realized that no matter what happens to me I have a group of amazing woman supporting me with all my choices. Even now I get encouragement from them whenever I update someone about my newest adventure towards doing a year of service. I am so thankful for everyone's support and I know it would have been way more difficult if I was doing this alone.
Upon my return from Jewell I had two service opportunities left to interview with and visit. One was Bethlehem Farms in West Virginia and the other is Christian Appalachian Project in Kentucky. I'm guessing you can tell which one I chose to go with due to the fact that I am going to Kentucky, but I want to share a little bit about both. Bethlehem Farm is a Catholic retreat center that focuses on community, service work, and living simply. I had a phone interview with them and was invited to visit for a retreat this October. Christian Appalachian Project was founded by a Catholic priest, but is for all people of all ages, religions, and life styles. They have a huge variety of service work including: working with the elderly , food pantries, preschools with am emphasis on working with developmental needs, mentally and physically disabled people, woman shelters, drug rehab centers, and disaster relief. I was torn between both places and was really worried about making the right decision.
In the end I chose CAP, because once I got there and settled in and went to bed the night before my interview I knew this was where God wanted me to be. I even called home and told my mom that I had found my new home for the year. When CAP first ask me to come interview and see the place I was told that they wanted me to be at the preschool, but there may not be an opening until January. I was fine with that and made plans and got another job that would last until at least December. I was set and yet again God had different plans for everyone involved. Just before I interviewed at CAP the woman shelter was expanding their child program and needed two new workers. Even though it wasn't the same kind of job as working in the preschool they had me interview there first. I didn't even seriously look at the preschool program after I spent the day in the woman shelter. I knew I had made plans until January and I knew I was planning on starting in January, but I also knew if this was the place for me there was no reason to wait. I came to CAP on Monday and on Wednesday after talking it through with the woman I was interviewing with it was decided I would go home and pray and think about when I would feel ready to start at CAP. That Friday the lady called and I told her I was ready to start whenever they could get my bed ready. It was a hard decision to give up everything I had plan, but I knew I needed to.
I have spent this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday packing and canceling all my plans for these next few months. I am leaving with my brother Paul to return to Kentucky on Tuesday (9-21-2010). I move into my service house Wednesday night and I start work on Thursday. This was not at all what I planned, but I wouldn't do anything differently. Because my plans are no where near as awesome or as exciting as God's plans for me.
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