It is over, my service year with CAP is over. I am really not sure how I feel about it either. Being back home has its good and bad. Being n Kentucky also had its good and bad. I left the shelter knowing I could not grow from it anymore and partly due to knowing my education needed to be finished before I could move on to bigger and better things. Then again after going up to my future college and seeing what I left a year ago, I prefer Kentucky over this college crap. As I walked through my future college center I felt like I was walking into the one thing I hated most... college. You take a bunch of immature, selfish young adults and try to make them well rounded in hopes of helping them make a brighter future for themselves. When in reality most of them spend their first couple of months celebrating freedom and take on these radical career dreams and end up working a 40 hour week to just to spend all their earning on themselves and that lovely debt everyone advised them to get into.
So despite my wants, I am heading to college in two weeks. I will probably drive my adviser crazy, because even though she thinks I can't handle a full work load, I will be pushing to get my degree in two years. I also know that even though Jewell cost too much for a simple psychology degree, I liked it there better and my advisers never underestimated me. They may have overestimated me, but then again that is better than being labeled a ":college drop out who is trying to fail again".
To sum up my thoughts I miss Kentucky, my children and having a job where I gave too much overtime and never got enough sleep. I miss learning on my own and not being held back. I also miss the mountains and hills and living in a valley. I would say I miss some of my housemates, but I am glad to be home. I am thankful for my family and having friends who are awesome. So there is good and bad in this leaving and starting over. However, I am gong to make it work and enjoy as much as I can. Hopefully I'll have a new adventure in my near future and if not maybe in my late future.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
You can see it in her eyes...
I have been back at work for over a week now and I am now getting to the point where I am ready to let go. However, today we had my exit lunch with someone volunteers and it hit me. I'm coming back. I know when I came to Kentucky I felt like it was just a stopping place, but now I see it is a place where I will return to. I was leaving the table to talk to another person and someone said, but don't forget to say good-bye. I am not leaving yet and she responded with reminding that this may be the last time she will see me. I then said, please I will return. Which is true, I am leaving Kentucky, the shelter, CAP, friends, and so much more. But as long as God lets it happen I should return. I do need to make money, so as long as I get the respite camp job, save up like crazy and get a good financial aid package this upcoming spring I should be able to return to CAP for a few weeks to do some more shelter fun, some Icthus, and some camp. Then again that is if I have enough money and not taking any classes. I am up for many tough choices, but I am sure that I will return to Kentucky is some form.
As I hugged people good-bye someone said, "her eyes light up when she says she is returning, so you know it is true". I must agree it is very likely some part of me will return to Kentucky, because I'm not done with my service. Besides my future husband is hiding somewhere at camp ;-)
As I hugged people good-bye someone said, "her eyes light up when she says she is returning, so you know it is true". I must agree it is very likely some part of me will return to Kentucky, because I'm not done with my service. Besides my future husband is hiding somewhere at camp ;-)
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Hello Teen Week
I am happy to announce that I am not only still single, but also proud to state that I had one of the best, weirdest, and eye opening experience in my life this past week. I guess it is a little silly for me to be excited about Donna not being right about my future husband hiding somewhere in Kentucky. Then again I prefer walking this journey on my own for awhile. Plus having some guy try to steal my heart while I was in Jackson County would have been ridiculous.
I remember that I was allowed to go to amp, because I needed to "rest", get a break from the shelter, and according to Donna, "fall in love"(imagine the mess I would be in if Donna was right). Looking back on this week, I didn't do any of those things.
On Sunday I arrived at camp and at first I was having some issues adjusting. By the time I went to bed things didn't seem too hard and I felt like for once I would get a break from "everything". Monday went pretty smoothly, check-in, camp fire, it was so nice not having to worry about things getting done or have a resident bitch to me about how their life sucks. Then it came for shower time and of course I was being over ridiculous about how excited I was for shower time and getting ready for bed. As I was busing the girls into their cabin one of the girls looks at me and asks if she can talk to me. The conversation with my camper started about just stupid teenage drama, "My boyfriend is mad at me for talking to another guy blah blah blah he hates me now and so on." Then she started crying and told me all about the abuse she was dealing with and all her fears. After I walked her up and down the docks a couple of times and calmed her down some I sent her to bed. Once she got distracted everything that was bothering her on disappeared and she was fine the rest of the week. There were other things that happened: a kid getting hit in the face with a paddle, a pipe bursting in the bathroom, a guy breaking his knuckles on another guy's face, a camper getting angry and try to start a fight with a counselor,a kid ending up in the nurse's office every time he played a team sport, and well other interesting things too.
Despite all the insanity that went on the ending was what made it all worth it. Not only did these children have fun, but for one week they got to be just children. None of them had to deal with court dates, caseworkers, family issues, and anything else that they have to deal with every other week of the year. Of course not all of the children that came to camp have huge issues that seem unfair for them to have, but the ones that do, have a safe place where someone will love them unconditionally.
This week was crazy, far from a day in the park and my eyes were opened. I haven't just realized this past week that I work in a high stress job or that abuse sucks or that there are children living sucky lives. I already knew that and due to this knowledge I wanted to volunteer at Covenant House this upcoming winter. Of course my plans changed and I decided to just finish up my degree and get a job. Anyways my realization didn't come to me until I was back at the volunteer house on Saturday night thinking over my week and folding my laundry. I was thinking about my past camp experiences and this year and everything that happened and how I handled it all. I knew I always wanted to work with children and after working at the shelter I know I want to work with at risk children. Something I realized after this weekend, that I never really thought about before was, I don't really have a choice. I have been working with at risk children my whole life. I have been working with abused children and children from broken homes and lives. What Kentucky and camp taught me was even if I ran from who I was suppose to be God would still find away to make me do it.
I loved camp and if there is a way for me to do it next year and not be in complete debt I plan on returning to Kentucky and at least do Teen Week again. Even though Donna's prediction of me finding my future husband at camp didn't come true she did get one thing right. I fell in love with camp and because of that I fell in love with Kentucky too. Even though I promised myself that Kentucky was not the end of my journey, I have to admit I wouldn't mind returning every once in awhile. Besides where else can you expect a random bull to be chilling out in your back yard or a whole month of snow days?
I remember that I was allowed to go to amp, because I needed to "rest", get a break from the shelter, and according to Donna, "fall in love"(imagine the mess I would be in if Donna was right). Looking back on this week, I didn't do any of those things.
On Sunday I arrived at camp and at first I was having some issues adjusting. By the time I went to bed things didn't seem too hard and I felt like for once I would get a break from "everything". Monday went pretty smoothly, check-in, camp fire, it was so nice not having to worry about things getting done or have a resident bitch to me about how their life sucks. Then it came for shower time and of course I was being over ridiculous about how excited I was for shower time and getting ready for bed. As I was busing the girls into their cabin one of the girls looks at me and asks if she can talk to me. The conversation with my camper started about just stupid teenage drama, "My boyfriend is mad at me for talking to another guy blah blah blah he hates me now and so on." Then she started crying and told me all about the abuse she was dealing with and all her fears. After I walked her up and down the docks a couple of times and calmed her down some I sent her to bed. Once she got distracted everything that was bothering her on disappeared and she was fine the rest of the week. There were other things that happened: a kid getting hit in the face with a paddle, a pipe bursting in the bathroom, a guy breaking his knuckles on another guy's face, a camper getting angry and try to start a fight with a counselor,a kid ending up in the nurse's office every time he played a team sport, and well other interesting things too.
Despite all the insanity that went on the ending was what made it all worth it. Not only did these children have fun, but for one week they got to be just children. None of them had to deal with court dates, caseworkers, family issues, and anything else that they have to deal with every other week of the year. Of course not all of the children that came to camp have huge issues that seem unfair for them to have, but the ones that do, have a safe place where someone will love them unconditionally.
This week was crazy, far from a day in the park and my eyes were opened. I haven't just realized this past week that I work in a high stress job or that abuse sucks or that there are children living sucky lives. I already knew that and due to this knowledge I wanted to volunteer at Covenant House this upcoming winter. Of course my plans changed and I decided to just finish up my degree and get a job. Anyways my realization didn't come to me until I was back at the volunteer house on Saturday night thinking over my week and folding my laundry. I was thinking about my past camp experiences and this year and everything that happened and how I handled it all. I knew I always wanted to work with children and after working at the shelter I know I want to work with at risk children. Something I realized after this weekend, that I never really thought about before was, I don't really have a choice. I have been working with at risk children my whole life. I have been working with abused children and children from broken homes and lives. What Kentucky and camp taught me was even if I ran from who I was suppose to be God would still find away to make me do it.
I loved camp and if there is a way for me to do it next year and not be in complete debt I plan on returning to Kentucky and at least do Teen Week again. Even though Donna's prediction of me finding my future husband at camp didn't come true she did get one thing right. I fell in love with camp and because of that I fell in love with Kentucky too. Even though I promised myself that Kentucky was not the end of my journey, I have to admit I wouldn't mind returning every once in awhile. Besides where else can you expect a random bull to be chilling out in your back yard or a whole month of snow days?
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Stagnant Water produces blood sucking Misquetios!
If you had to describe your life as a body of water would you want to say a stagnant pond? Really? that would be gross. Think about it, you would be all mossy and filled with misquetio eggs. YUCK! I would want to be anything but a stagnant pond. I would even settle for a rain drop, because a rain drop could one day fall into something awesome like a garden and produce food and feed a whole family.
If you are wondering where I am going with this be patient, because this is going to take awhile. The last time I wrote about my future I mentioned Covenant House and New York and continuing to volunteer with children/ teens who have seen the hard part of life. No worries, after this year in Kentucky I wouldn't do anything else, but have a career working with abused children/ teens.
So, Covenant house was the next step and after my first interview I was told I wouldn't have a lot of choices on where and when, but I was told it was a likely I would be volunteering at a Covenant House by August 2012. My lack of wanting to be idle and wanting to still be loved by my parents, I started to look into taking some classes while I was home. My plan was to work full time take a some classes and use my Americore money and the money I saved to pay off half of my student loans. the other half would be less scary since it would only be $6, 000. If I work full time I could be debt free by the time I went to volunteer at Covenant House. This was my plan and I thought it was pretty amazing. I was spending my evenings after the children were asleep researching classes at UMSL and looking for jobs in the area.
Then something happened, Covenant House asked me to prepare to go to their orientation during the summer. Life always seems to throw curveballs. I had my plans set and then I was forced to make a choice earlier than I wanted to. I had two choices. I could hold off on Covenant House and go back to college and graduate this time with any degree and get a job working with abused children. Or I could get some jobs to pay off my loans, wait another two years to return to college and be ready to jump on a plane to whereever Covenant House sends me. I really wanted to just have a middle ground where I took some fun classes at UMSL and leave for Covenant House in January or August 2012. Instead I was forced to be an adult and decide what is best for me.
In the end I realized that if I waited on Covenant house to say jump I was going to be wasting time. I would be stagnant in my life just treading water so I don't drown. I wouldn't be moving forward with my education and I wouldn't be moving closure to any of my dreams either. I would be stagnant until someone or something gave me a push. Once I thought about myself being stagnant I thought about what stagnant water produces and the first thing that jumped into my mind was... MISQUETIOS! I hate misquetios, they bite me and I am really bad at not itching a bug bite.
I will be honest I would love to be a stagnant pond. I know what being a stagnant pond would be like: wake up, eat, work, play, sleep. This whole being fluid, being open to change, and moving forward with my future is more than terrifying. I would hit some rapids and fall down a water fall. I have to keep reminding myself that all stagnant water produces is blood sucking misquetios and misquetios don't seem to do much for the world (but spread Malaria).
In case you missed it, I am going back to Saint Louis and back to school. I am living at home (to help save money), attending UMSL (unless a rapid appears in my near future), and working part time to save up for later. I was debating what I should do with my Americore and I decided the smartest thing would be go full-time (to defer loan repayment) and use my Americore to pay off my first and possibly second semester at UMSL. Hopefully I will graduate in 2013 and then get a job with Covenant House or a place that works with abused children.
If you are wondering where I am going with this be patient, because this is going to take awhile. The last time I wrote about my future I mentioned Covenant House and New York and continuing to volunteer with children/ teens who have seen the hard part of life. No worries, after this year in Kentucky I wouldn't do anything else, but have a career working with abused children/ teens.
So, Covenant house was the next step and after my first interview I was told I wouldn't have a lot of choices on where and when, but I was told it was a likely I would be volunteering at a Covenant House by August 2012. My lack of wanting to be idle and wanting to still be loved by my parents, I started to look into taking some classes while I was home. My plan was to work full time take a some classes and use my Americore money and the money I saved to pay off half of my student loans. the other half would be less scary since it would only be $6, 000. If I work full time I could be debt free by the time I went to volunteer at Covenant House. This was my plan and I thought it was pretty amazing. I was spending my evenings after the children were asleep researching classes at UMSL and looking for jobs in the area.
Then something happened, Covenant House asked me to prepare to go to their orientation during the summer. Life always seems to throw curveballs. I had my plans set and then I was forced to make a choice earlier than I wanted to. I had two choices. I could hold off on Covenant House and go back to college and graduate this time with any degree and get a job working with abused children. Or I could get some jobs to pay off my loans, wait another two years to return to college and be ready to jump on a plane to whereever Covenant House sends me. I really wanted to just have a middle ground where I took some fun classes at UMSL and leave for Covenant House in January or August 2012. Instead I was forced to be an adult and decide what is best for me.
In the end I realized that if I waited on Covenant house to say jump I was going to be wasting time. I would be stagnant in my life just treading water so I don't drown. I wouldn't be moving forward with my education and I wouldn't be moving closure to any of my dreams either. I would be stagnant until someone or something gave me a push. Once I thought about myself being stagnant I thought about what stagnant water produces and the first thing that jumped into my mind was... MISQUETIOS! I hate misquetios, they bite me and I am really bad at not itching a bug bite.
I will be honest I would love to be a stagnant pond. I know what being a stagnant pond would be like: wake up, eat, work, play, sleep. This whole being fluid, being open to change, and moving forward with my future is more than terrifying. I would hit some rapids and fall down a water fall. I have to keep reminding myself that all stagnant water produces is blood sucking misquetios and misquetios don't seem to do much for the world (but spread Malaria).
In case you missed it, I am going back to Saint Louis and back to school. I am living at home (to help save money), attending UMSL (unless a rapid appears in my near future), and working part time to save up for later. I was debating what I should do with my Americore and I decided the smartest thing would be go full-time (to defer loan repayment) and use my Americore to pay off my first and possibly second semester at UMSL. Hopefully I will graduate in 2013 and then get a job with Covenant House or a place that works with abused children.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Cliff... something
I was going to have this awesome blog about how I went cliff jumping and instead it turned into something else. I was going to describe how everyone has good in them and no matter what the sins are everyone has a right to be trusted and loved. Also I wanted to make a statment about how despite one's sins doesn't mean there isn't still innoccence found within them.
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